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HoMeMaDe_SiN
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Interests: Lung Cancer, pharmaceuticals and hallucinagenics, parties, astro-physics, philosophy, politics, art, music.
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Member Since:
11/23/2003
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| It's finally over.
Hell yes.
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| So, it has been awhile since I've gotten on xanga and made a truly emotional, heartfelt, bare entry.
So, I'm going to give it a try.
Lately has been utter confusion for me.
Spring break made me realize a lot of things I don't think I had been keeping up with necessarily.
I obviously had a close run with addiction, and the feelings attached to that episode are still being deciphered.
Betrayal is one that automatically comes to the forefront, though.
I love how anyway I look at that sentence, I know it will be taken and read and probably misunderstood by some close readers (I'm not referring to you.)
In one of my friendships, I'm feeling a little bit of an Anne Rogers/Lauren Pascal relationship beginning to develop.
I know that something said earlier, it really just pushed me over the edge.
Not an anger edge, just a "clouded perspective" edge.
It was where I knew I was a little uncomfortable with the way things are going currently.
Sad thing is, I don't have the heart or the right to say anything about it.
I don't think it's jealousy, and I know that my friend is happy, so what reason should I have to complain, you ask?
I just feel like it's not really my friend anymore.
Not only that, but it is a rare occasion that it's just me and her.
I feel almost rejected, and disrespected.
I guess different people just do things different ways.
All I know is that I've never put my boyfriend in front of time that I've spent with my friends.
All of this built up feeling that I have is obviously my fault, I have a very difficult time discussing issues I have with my friends due to the fact that I have a great fear of confrontation and rejection.
Spring Break hurt me a little, too. Not only by one friend, but two.
Respect is just a huge thing with me, and it's not that I was necessarily disrespected, and I'm sure it was all in fun and games, it just seems that I didn't necessarily take the line "It was my vacation" to such an extent as was expressed by others.
I think I'm overreacting right now. I know that I don't mean to put these words in these tones, and I know that looking at text on a screen can be extremely deceiving.
I'm just having problems deciphering who I am at this point.
What I want, Who I am, Who I see, and Where I am going.
Things are going to be so abruptly changing in the next months.
I have an extreme (perhaps to extreme) fear of not graduating, for some reason or another (hopefully it's not a sign).
On the other friendship front, however, I think things have been better than that have been.
It's almost like I'm traveling back to sophomore year, and I'm really enjoying that feeling.
I think I'm starting to like Sam a little more, something about, maybe, perhaps, getting over Matt.
Keeping in mind, however, that that will never happen (unfortunately, or at least not for awhile).
I have the feeling this entry is going to be somewhat overbearing, and hopefully won't start any problems.
I just felt the random need to get out how I really feel, in writing.
Maybe I should consider keeping a journal.
Other than the minuscule problems I have mentioned above, my life is in perfect condition.
I am actually, for one of the first times in my life, proud of myself.
I think I've matured a lot over the past couple of months.
Why, I am unsure.
I know that I know longer feel the need to be "fucked up".
I almost miss that feeling, actually.
I learned over spring break, however, that I can have plenty of fun being sober.
Ahh, that break was better than a prescription, I swear.
I love the moment when you realize that there is practically nothing that you would change about any of the people around you.
I know that everything is going to be okay, and I know that I will love the people I have met in these past four years for the rest of my life.
I'm going to miss everyone, though.
I am extremely anxious to receive financial information involving Santa Cruz.
I wish I was as lucky as my beau, and could just go anywhere without worrying about cost, whatsoever.
I NEED A JOB.
I hope the rest of this year is full of memories and laughter (corny, I know).
I never though I would really be saying SENIOR things like that, but I feel the vibe.
Practically 20 days left, how could I not be ecstatic?
I'm going to leave this xanga on a good note, so, I hope this isn't too controversial.
| | |
| so, I finally found the love of my life.
Too bad he's a movie star.
 | | |
| Since I've been "tagged", I guess I have to do this.
1. I've wanted to be an astrophysicist since the age of 10. Lately, I've been going against that long term goal to things like Political Science, Art (Visual), and Philosophy.
2. I prefer the ocean way over the mountains. If someone asked me "Lauren, would you like to go to the Alps or Hawaii?" I would definitely respond Hawaii. I could probably live on the beach for the rest of my life without complaint, and I hope that that will somehow happen one day.
3. I don't believe in love, or a "one special person". I think it all has to do with human mechanism, and from experience, I know that you can feel the same for every person you date. I'm not entirely sure that I ever want to get married, but I do know I hate the thought of being alone. I want 3 children, whom I've also had various names thought up for. However, contrary to that, babies terrify me.
4. I have the underlying symptoms for Anti-Social Personality disorder. Due to the fact that my father had it, I think the symptoms are rather strong, but not necessarily strong enought to diagnose me. Also, I do not think I am "emotionally retarded", thank god. Anyhow, I dislike any ideal of authority, and I refuse to obey it. For example, I usually do not take no for an answer when it comes to my mother, I rarely do anything unless it is on my own accord, I despise school, and I obviously do not obey the law.
5. I've recently realized why none of my previous relationships have worked out, although one underlying factor would most certainly be that I was 14-16 years old. I've noticed that when guys "love me", I tend to question reasoning behind it, clue to the fact that they "Actually Don't", and constantly badger them about the truth. This, in turn, generally pushes them farther away, and we break up. Coming to that conclusion kind of terrifies me, but not necessarily makes me feel any regret for previous relationship. Oh, and I recently found out that Matt and Ashley got matching tattoos, which I thought was absolutely adorable (eesh.)
6. I think I am a pretty normal person. I don't do anything out of the ordinary. I eat the same foods as everyone else, drink the same things, do the same things. Sometimes I become afraid that I have a somewhat anorexic mindset, but then I realize that I love food too much for that (hah). I have an extreme fear of losing friends, which I have been super paranoid about lately. I am easily bored, and enjoy new, exciting activities. I refuse to let people push me around, unless you are really close to me, and then I'll allow a little of it. I have a theory that people don't notice me, at all. I feel that people look at me, and then just see me as somewhat invisible, never taking the time to get to know me. I also feel that people either like me, or hate me, but generally hate me.
I am generally a lazy person, and probably a bad influence. My closet is color coordinated. Many people tell me that I am boyish and girlish at the exact same time. Or, actually, I am not "domesticated", which makes sense because I am terrible at cooking, and I rarely clean. I dislike the town I live in, and I basically have since the first day my mom told me we were moving here. To be honest, I had never even heard of it. And now, it's a big conservative christian party town (and I hate that). Lastly, something I don't think many people know. Honestly, I have been building up an image for myself ever since I can remember, changing what I look like, how I act, what I listen to, and how I dress, that I honestly could not tell you who I was as a person.
I have no one to tag (that lexie hasn't already got.) | | |
| Since I've been "tagged", I guess I have to do this.
1. I've wanted to be an astrophysicist since the age of 10. Lately, I've been going against that long term goal to things like Political Science, Art (Visual), and Philosophy.
2. I prefer the ocean way over the mountains. If someone asked me "Lauren, would you like to go to the Alps or Hawaii?" I would definitely respond Hawaii. I could probably live on the beach for the rest of my life without complaint, and I hope that that will somehow happen one day.
3. I don't believe in love, or a "one special person". I think it all has to do with human mechanism, and from experience, I know that you can feel the same for every person you date. I'm not entirely sure that I ever want to get married, but I do know I hate the thought of being alone. I want 3 children, whom I've also had various names thought up for. However, contrary to that, babies terrify me.
4. I have the underlying symptoms for Anti-Social Personality disorder. Due to the fact that my father had it, I think the symptoms are rather strong, but not necessarily strong enought to diagnose me. Also, I do not think I am "emotionally retarded", thank god. Anyhow, I dislike any ideal of authority, and I refuse to obey it. For example, I usually do not take no for an answer when it comes to my mother, I rarely do anything unless it is on my own accord, I despise school, and I obviously do not obey the law.
5. I've recently realized why none of my previous relationships have worked out, although one underlying factor would most certainly be that I was 14-16 years old. I've noticed that when guys "love me", I tend to question reasoning behind it, clue to the fact that they "Actually Don't", and constantly badger them about the truth. This, in turn, generally pushes them farther away, and we break up. Coming to that conclusion kind of terrifies me, but not necessarily makes me feel any regret for previous relationship. Oh, and I recently found out that Matt and Ashley got matching tattoos, which I thought was absolutely adorable (eesh.)
6. I think I am a pretty normal person. I don't do anything out of the ordinary. I eat the same foods as everyone else, drink the same things, do the same things. Sometimes I become afraid that I have a somewhat anorexic mindset, but then I realize that I love food too much for that (hah). I have an extreme fear of losing friends, which I have been super paranoid about lately. I am easily bored, and enjoy new, exciting activities. I refuse to let people push me around, unless you are really close to me, and then I'll allow a little of it. I have a theory that people don't notice me, at all. I feel that people look at me, and then just see me as somewhat invisible, never taking the time to get to know me. I also feel that people either like me, or hate me, but generally hate me.
I am generally a lazy person, and probably a bad influence. My closet is color coordinated. Many people tell me that I am boyish and girlish at the exact same time. Or, actually, I am not "domesticated", which makes sense because I am terrible at cooking, and I rarely clean. I dislike the town I live in, and I basically have since the first day my mom told me we were moving here. To be honest, I had never even heard of it. And now, it's a big conservative christian party town (and I hate that). Lastly, something I don't think many people know. Honestly, I have been building up an image for myself ever since I can remember, changing what I look like, how I act, what I listen to, and how I dress, that I honestly could not tell you who I was as a person.
I have no one to tag (that lexie hasn't already got.) | | |
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